Whining and Chewing
We all struggle with something. But what makes our struggling more difficult is when we are around those who complain about their suffering – without doing anything to change it.
I’m not talking about lamenting.
Lamenting is a beautiful, hidden gift that many of us fear we are allowed to open or use. Inspired by David of the Psalms, I’ve been practicing lamenting - writing and speaking my anger and frustration to God openly and without hesitation. The joy of this experience is that in storming into the great throne room of the heavens in prayer, I’ve found a warm, tender, understanding God and this both comforts and frightens me. What kind of God allows such honesty? What if I say too much? But this is what God invites us to do through lament.
Complaining, on the other hand, is a whole other story.
When you’re with someone who is complaining, it’s like watching someone eat with their mouth open. You’re sitting across the table from them, engaged in good conversation, and then suddenly, all you can focus on is the moist mashing and crunching and swirling food around their teeth until they swallow. It is all encompassing and hard to watch. The word bolus is disgusting for a reason and meant to be contained within a closed mouth.
Complaining is a self-defeating practice. It lays out all the problems as one sees them, leaving out important facts that may inform the whole story and it turning one’s attention toward putting the entire blame for one’s unhappiness on someone else. Pointing fingers. Assigning blame.
Again, this is different than confronting someone you love with specific actions that they have done to harm you. Confrontation is on the path of reconcilliation. It is sitting with someone at a table, engaged in good conversation, and they push their plate aside, look you in the eyes and firmly speak honest words about an injury in the relationship. It can be a beautiful and essential gift in that can heal and grow authentic relationships.
But complaining is a grown up form of whining. Remember whining? If you’ve had kids or babysat someone else’s kids or volunteered or taught in a classroom, you’ve heard whining. It is sharp, piercing, annoying and it threatens to enter the very marrow of your bones, cracking them open and splintering them into tiny pieces. That’s what whining sounds like!
So why do we whine, as adults? What is the purpose of complaining? What does it accomplish? Nothing really. It gets a bunch of words off our chest, but it also slanders someone else, it cuts them down without them knowing what is being said. So when they show up for work, we might still feel angry, with fresh rage in our minds and they’ll walk up to us as if there isn’t a care in the world. Because according to them, there isn’t one! They know nothing of the complaints and they know nothing of the injury in the relationship.
I suppose the question to ask someone who is in the throws of complaining is not “Really? They did that?” But, “You know, you sound really distressed over this. What are you going to do about your distress?”
We can’t wait for other people to change in order for us to be happy. It doesn’t work that way. Our happiness is our responsibility. We can choose to be happy. I’m not condoning choosing to be happy in an abusive relationship. Nope. That is where confrontation and consequences come in. I’m talking about the long tirade of complaints that someone is unhappy about AND unwilling to do anything about. We don’t have to become that kind of person and we don’t have to tolerate listening to it. We can take time to be with someone who is upset but we don’t have to suffer the view of an open-mouth, food mashing dinner with them just in the name of trying to be polite. It would be more loving to say, “Hey listen, I’ve enjoyed our conversation, but I need to go now. I would highly suggest you take the rest of your thoughts directly to the person that you’ve been talking about. I’m sure you’ll get better results there than here. Goodnight.”
We can be kind people and ask other people to stop complaining. We can be respectful and choose to not engage in slandering other people behind their backs. We can love someone and choose not to speak with them for awhile. Loving someone does not mean that we have to endure their bad habits. We can ask them to close their mouth when they chew. We can suggest that they see a counselor about their issues. We can redirect their unhappiness agenda back to their own responsibilities. And we can do this for ourselves as well.
If we, who live with chronic pain or illness don’t find a way to unload our frustrations, we will explode or implode, or force others to watch our open mouths digest food while we talk. It’s gross. It’s messy and it is not really very effective or efficient. So, in light of being practical, I’ll leave you with a few suggestions:
Talk with a friend
Not just any friend, but a good listening, honest, supportive friend who can help you see yourself more clearly. They can be hard to find, but keep looking and take a risk by opening up.
Seek Counsel
Talk to a professional counsellor. They are trained to listen and help you find and acknowledge your feelings and know how to take action with those things that are in your control.
Write it out
“We can use writing the way a filmmaker uses a lens: to pull focus, to put things into a different perspective. We can zoom into a close-up. We can pull way back and put something against a larger swathe of landscape. If writing is observing the movie in our minds, it is also editing it, adding sound track, putting on a voice over.”
(The Right to Write - Julia Cameron)
♥️Let’s be people who take responsibility for our own lives, our own happiness, our own choices. We are strong enough to stand in the face of opposition and we can begin to create a beautiful life out in front of us! ♥️