Imagine with me . . . (adapted from Matthew 5, Luke 6)

“So, this is the Jesus that heals right?” I hear people murmuring around me, shuffling to stand while not wanting to lose their place in line. I see wooden canes and cloth wrapped around various wounds and broken limbs. Some are obviously blind or deaf, disfigured, or injured, and others, it’s hard to see from the outside why they need healing. But they’re here! Everyone is here! This mountainside is packed! What a day to be alive!!

A few more hours probably, and I’ll be next. I can’t wait!!!

I’ve had this illness for so long. The closer I get to Jesus, the more I start to imagine what life will be like once I’m healed! I haven’t let myself imagine because it’s too painful when it doesn’t happen. Hope is a hard thing to embrace.

“There He is!” People are shouting, waving, and pointing. I can see Jesus too! He’s climbing onto a rock, probably so He can see how many of us are here. Maybe He’ll do a big bulk healing, like ‘Everyone who can see me on this left side of the rock, you’re healed!” He’s probably getting tired and could use a good supper. He’s been out here all day in the hot sun and wind. Or maybe He’s going to announce that He sees our place in the line and that He will come back tomorrow to heal the rest of us. Ya, that’s probably it. Oh, He’s about to speak . . .

“You’re blessed, when you’ve lost it all . . . ”

Wait, what?! Uh oh.

He’s not announcing anything. He’s NOT giving instructions about tomorrow. He’s NOT apologizing for how long it is taking to be healed, He’s teaching. Oh.

I-don’t-want-to-be-taught. (I whisper through my clenched teeth.)

Jesus continues:

“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”

I DON’T want some divine hug, I WANT, to be healed!! Tears are now stinging my eyes and I shift my weight, my shoulders are tense, and my gaze falls to the sandy ground beneath me. I can still hear Him, but I don’t want to look up. I was afraid this would happen.

“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.”

I AM hungry, I should’ve packed a snack. Maybe someone around me has something. “Excuse me, do you have any bread?” A woman responds, “Shhhhhh!!!!!” I turn back around, crossing my arms. I can feel my heart racing.

“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.”

I don’t get it. How can any of this internal heart stuff take away my suffering? I don’t understand. I should’ve come yesterday. I heard He healed a lot of people yesterday. That could’ve been me. Well, might as well go home. I’m not interested in this speech. THIS is a waste of my time.

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Having lived with chronic pain for 30 years, I’ve done more than cross my arms and stand there. I’ve shaken my fists at Jesus, yelled, screamed, cursed, and told Him that I hate Him and how He does things!!

And . . . I also have come to believe, wholeheartedly, that what Jesus said is true. There IS an internal life, our souls, that needs to be healed as well. Contentment and peace don’t just show up one day, it is given to us as we trust Jesus every day, every appointment, every moment. Either healing will come in our physical, emotional, and mental selves or we will hear the invitation of Jesus to heal our souls and give us joy - no matter what the circumstances. Jesus can be trusted even if it is really, really, really hard to believe. I’ve experienced His presence during my years of suffering so I don’t fear the unknown (most of the time).

I’m about to have surgery for an ileostomy that promises to help relieve my pain and gain some healthy living back. But it may not. It could even get worse. None of this is in my control. But the doctors have given me some fresh hope that I haven’t had in a while. I usually say that I have half-hope that pain will be removed because we’ve tried SO MANY different things. So, it’s strangely comforting to read these words in Scripture again and realize that Jesus offers healing to us in different ways, for different purposes. Through the past 30 years, I’ve come to know, feel, and experience how much God loves me! (and you) and He IS enough in those hard times. Yes, I want less pain but not if it ever costs me to give up my relationship with Jesus!

So, wherever you are today. . . in the crowd with your arms crossed, disappointed with Jesus, swearing and kicking in anger, or listening carefully, soaking up every word He says and accepting that sometimes healing doesn’t happen in our bodies, welcome! 💕💕 You’re not alone. It’s okay to trust again. Jesus is waiting, patiently and lovingly to remove your fears, shame, and hurts and replace them with His love, with His presence! That is where the real miracle happens!!

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(This idea for today’s blog has been on my mind for about a month. . . It is dear to my heart and I hope it reaches yours.)