I'm Ok. I Really Am.

PC: Brad Ramer

Right now, my husband is floating down a river in a pack raft alongside a buddy while his buddy’s wife called me from the pickup point for the guys. She wanted to include me in the trip and showed me through her phone’s camera the river, the rapids, and the bright blue sky. Oh, the mountain air!! I would have loved to join them but it’s not the kind of trip that my body can handle right now. Today, I’ve got a headache and it’s 30°C so I’m in the house with a cool fan and a massager on my shoulders. Being out there in the heat would have ramped this headache up so I’m glad to be here. I’m okay, I really am.

Lots has happened in the past three weeks since I wrote about sadness and many of you sent messages about how you were grateful that I wrote about the emotion without trying to fix it or make it prettier. I’m glad it meant something to you and I’m glad that staying in the emotion worked. It allowed me to release some tears and pent-up frustration and it was therapeutic.

Four days later, however, just as I was beginning to get some traction and feel motivated again to manage my chronic pain issues, we called an ambulance for a random back spasm that was so bad I couldn’t move without it seizing up into extreme pain. (Memories of past Endometriosis cysts bursting (sorry, gross) came into my mind!) Sixteen hours later, after a very colorful, sensory-filled day in the emergency room with various types of bodily fluids draining from our neighbors behind thin curtains, we were told that it was a muscle spasm. They checked for kidney stones, heart attack, diverticulitis, bowel obstruction, and all the biggies, and then after giving me the good stuff to relieve the pain I was sent home that night. I was relieved that it wasn’t anything else and also surprised. This was a first — regarding muscles.

If three weeks before was about sadness, then anger was the next emotion to hit hard. I wanted relief and I wanted it now. I waited two days and one very long night in and out of the bathtub trying to relieve the pain before we called 911. I begged God for mercy, for a miracle. I had already taken the morphine at home that the doctor had me on but nothing was touching this pain. I was mad at God. I wanted relief and he didn’t seem to hear my cries for help. I felt demanding and desperate. God seemed absent and I was functioning from many levels down the old polyvagal ladder (can you tell I’m in school?) where logic and reasoning also seemed distant. I was purely coping, purely in a great deal of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain.

The day after we got home from the hospital, I was exhausted and still mad at God. I sat down in the living room to write to him in my journal (which is often how I pray). But as I opened up my journal to write, bing - bing - bing - my phone received three text messages from three different friends, in two different provinces and one in the USA. They said they had an urging from God that they were supposed to contact me but didn’t know why or if it meant anything. So, in faith and curiosity, they sent me a text.

I cried, again, but this time, humbled, grateful, and more humbled.

I tend to think that God will bring comfort in a certain way. Maybe it is how I have experienced moments of God’s close presence with me before but he is so much bigger than that.

God will not be put in a box, be predictable, or be on-demand for us when we want him to do something. This time, for whatever reason, God did hear my cries, and did answer, but through other people and not when I asked for help but three days later. That morning, I had such meaningful conversations with each of them as I realized God nudged them to contact me without any prior knowledge of the kind of weekend I just had.

So, today, I may be inside the house, nursing a headache on a beautiful day while my husband adventures in the mountains with our friends, but I‘m okay, I really am! 😊 I’ve been reminded by the grace of God that he DOES hear my prayers, he DOES love me and he WILL care for me and bring comfort but, in his way, in his timing, and for his purposes. And, as my concept of who God is has expanded, I feel greater courage to wait patiently next time, knowing that God will reveal more of who he is to me if I wait on Him.

I have no idea why God does things the way he does, but as my prof used to say in his prayer, “You are God and we are not.” I’m thankful that in God’s mercy, he continues to reveal more of himself to us as we seek him in prayer.

Has God revealed his presence to you recently? Has he spoken? Has your heart burned within you as you’re reading Scripture and you’ve wondered why? I would LOVE to hear your stories! Write me an email (I’ll keep confidential) and add to the expansion of my understanding of God as I learn through your experiences too!