Less Than < > Greater Than.
As summer begins, surprisingly the excitement in the air can feel like a heavy, dark cloud for those of us who live with chronic pain or illness.
Most conversations start with, “So, what are your summer plans?” and “Are you traveling anywhere? What summer projects do you have lined up?” And to be fair, those are completely appropriate questions. We live in a winter city which means that from late October to even early May, there is snow! We have a short, muddy spring, hot summer, then a cool fall, and winter starts again. And, as Ferris Bueller said, "If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
However, for many of us, summer is difficult. The heat can exacerbate our symptoms. Traveling is difficult. Doing groceries is difficult. So the thought of doing groceries, packing up, and going camping? Whew…that’s way off the radar. As our friends and family talk about plans, it can be a fresh reminder that we don’t fit in, summer doesn’t apply to us, and we may feel that we don’t get to participate in summer the way everyone else does. And, it’s true. (And for my camping friends who are reading this - know that I love and celebrate you in your awesome, strength-filled, athletic, adventurous selves!)
On one of the hot days in early July, I laid down on my bed for a rest, with my to-do list not even touched, a fan blowing cool air on my face, and I thought about a few verses that I’ve been meditating on recently.
Paul’s letter to the church in Corinth was to encourage them. He wanted them to think about their spiritual life, not just their physical one. He knew physical suffering himself and described that he himself had a thorn in his flesh which is not clear exactly what he meant but he begged God to remove it. (Sound familiar to your prayers?)
So, when I laid down on my bed, thinking about what it could possibly mean to focus on the unseen, on eternity, on what God is doing on the inside of my soul, and in the world, rather than all that’s going on in my body, which is so hard to NOT think about, I laid there for quite a while in silence.
Then a thought came to my mind of the less-than-symbol ( < ) and my eyes started to warm and fill up with tears. “What does that mean God?” I asked. I thought about the feeling that I have often, that I do feel less than others. I do less than I want to. My energy is less than I hope it would be. My plans are less than I wish they were. My daily ability to check off a to-do list is always less than as pain forces me to rest.
But then I remembered, there is a greater-than-symbol too ( > ). When I am feeling less than, and I stop and rest and allow myself to stay in the less than position, letting go of my hopes, plans and fears, and insecurities, God often shows up in greater-than ways! And as I meditated on this thought, I imagined that space between the less than sign < and the greater than sign > and I took a black pen and drew this on my wrist < >.
For the past week, I’ve been remembering that it’s okay to do less than because, as I rest, as I let go and realize that God has something greater coming, I can stay in the less than position, take a nap, pick up meds at the pharmacist and say no to that invitation to a bbq. I can enjoy and celebrate with my friends who are doing fun things and traveling. And as God reminds me of this space between the less than < and greater than >, I can anticipate with joy what God might do.
I’ll give you a ‘for instance’ that is fresh on my mind. Our son and daughter-in-law are in town for another week and staying with us. The other night, they came home and invited us to watch a movie with them. My pain was too high, I was really uncomfortable and knew that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the movie. But I wanted to! They’re only in town for a visit and then we won’t see them for a while and I love spending time with our adult kids!
I stayed in my room and looked at my less than symbol on my wrist and said, “Okay, Lord, I accept my reality and I will anticipate with faith that you are greater-than! Again, a few nights later, the pain was high, meds had not started working yet and they came back to the house and we were going to eat dinner together. I knew, that standing and working in the kitchen would be too much for me so I told them. They picked up some supplies at Safeway and prepared supper for us, carrying a plate of food to me as I stayed comfy on the couch. This is less than the kind of mom/mom-in-law I always pictured, but it is my reality. And so I stay here, in my reality, trusting in God’s greater than and allowing them to bless us with their service. It may seem strange but for those of us who live with weakness and pain, it is hard to accept help and ask for it, over and over and over again.
So, my friends, you who live with daily pain, and autoimmune disorders that constantly challenge your body with infections, inflammation, pain, weakness, dizziness, medication side effects, and mental and emotional distress, I love you and see you today. I understand how hard it can be to enter a beautiful, hot, summer that culturally means vacations and breaks from the daily work that we have to do. Yet, I know that your life may continue to be the same and that your suffering continues, no matter what the season. Let me encourage you to rest.
Let go of all expectations that culture puts on you. Take a deep breath . . . and relax. You have a beautiful and hard life. You can do the hard things but I know, from my own experience, you get weary too.
My prayer for you (and me) this summer is that we’ll find ways to rest and enjoy summer in a way that nourishes us and that we’ll be creative in thinking of ways to see new sights or travel short distances just for fun. (Sometimes a drive-through ice cream cone from our local McDonalds can feel like a break in a way that is most compassionate to myself and my needs.)
May God give you the strength to accept your less-than moments and the faith to hope in God’s greater-than! And when those greater-than stories happen, tell someone! Tell me! Send me a message if you like! I LOVE those kinds of stories, they encourage me to boldly hope for a God who is greater-than and does greater-than things for His glory and my joy.